Jade

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

I set out to write this blog post...yesterday. Wasn't exactly sure how it was going to go, but it was going to go somewhere and probably be funny. Now? Not so much.

Funny, the difference a day makes. No pun intended my friends.

Instead I spent the morning in tears. My heart broken, my nerves shot, and my emotional state on the verge of extinction. Been feeling rather lonely. Alone. I don't know if it's sheer agony over missing my first born child, the culmination of other stresses that were lifted, finally, leaving the sole and powerful pull of other stresses in the gravitational wake. Lack of sleep. Feeling run down, as if getting sick. PMS. Could be all of the above and has just left me run down emotionally as a whole. I would more lean toward that than anything else.

Working on my PTSD workbook probably wasn't such a good idea either. For that, you need support and security from your group around you. I don't have one. A group. A support system. Not right now. Too many more important things have pulled that away and that's ok. I just need to hold off and remember that I can't do it alone and if I cannot, for whatever reason, reach out and get that support from someone just now, then I should just pack it in and leave it for another day. Too many times I leave upon myself the demand that I be "Super Woman". I end up fucking myself even harder in the long run when I do that, damnit.

I should be used to it. It caught me off guard this time though. I couldn't control the tears and that really pissed me off. I got in my car and drove. Just drove. Ended up at the lake and just sat there staring at the water as the ripples driven by the power of the wind reminded me of how my tears flowed down my face. No matter how hard I tried to stop them, the harder they fell. Long sobs lurched forward from my chest and I was glad for the silence, the solace around me. Not a person, not even a squirrel could be seen. That was the point. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want my tears to be looked upon. I didn't want my pain, my heart to be judged. The flood gates fell open and I removed myself from all that may cause more harm and damage to me, or that which I may cause damage and harm to in my state. Sometimes that's just what you gotta do.

I desperately wanted to drive down my lane, sit beneath my tree. The rain of the past 24 hours or so left the tiny dirt road that leads to my own little corner of paradise impassable. I was terrified my little Honda would get stuck in that mud and then I would be forced to rely on someone to come and help me, one more friggin' time, and get me unstuck. As much as I desired the solitude of my tree, the thought of having to be rescued kept me from even attempting it. I made a mental sticky note to myself that when it comes time to trade in my Little Honda (bless her aging heart) I want a 4 Wheel drive truck so that I might traverse down lanes such as that no matter if rain or snow or ice or sleet in order to find my peace beneath my tree, no matter where my tree might be during any specific time in my life, without fear of having to call for help cuz my dumb ass got stuck. Of course, the truck would HAVE to be green. Definitely.

Enter the cat.

I know, this whole time you've probably been wondering "what in the hell does that cat in a lei have to do with anything?". Here ya go.
Cat's have 9 lives, right?

(I had better hope this cat does bcuz she is going to need it. This kitten, as she is not quite a cat yet, just LOVES to claw the shit out of you while trying to climb up your body in order to fully access your keyboard and severely inhibit your activities on the computer...but...anywhooooo)

I am hoping she will rub off on me.

See, cats don't give a shit.

Ever.

As long as they are fed. (I am)

As long as they get pet from time to time. (I do)

As long as they have a warm place to snuggle. (I have)

They don't give a shit. (Am trying not to)

About anything.

We could really learn a lot from cats. Dogs too, mind you, but cats just seem wiser. Maybe they aren't wiser at all, maybe it's just that dogs are less pretentious.

Gimme a pussy in a lei and I will show you happiness.

pussy, lei, cats, issues, trees, solitude, peace, life, jaded, total, complete

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

They are everywhere in my house. Everywhere I look, the ghosts created by depression are evident and powerfully present.

I see them dancing in the sheets, illuminated by the early morning Sunday sunshine. I hear them giggle and play as they bask in the warmth. I can feel their laughter as they bound up or down the stairs, chasing their happiness like butterflies in the wind, hands grasping, arms holding, eyes twinkling.

They are full of hope, these ghosts. The very thread of life that has been sucked out by the depression. The silence is scary. The cold, uncomfortable.

The ghosts stand beside me while I do my chores; her at the sink, him behind with his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Their whispers of devotion massage my ears and drown out the sorrow.

Their song radiates every time I pick up my camera; yet, it enforces the lonely and the cold that also comes with their presence. It's a delicate dance of bitter sweet. I ache for the ghosts to go away and for that which they represent to wash over me like a tide returning to it's rightful place within the ocean's arms. I fear their disappearance as they may be all that is left of something once desired by all and found by so few.

The depression stole all that which brought smiles and warmth to my heart and to my life, and for that I am resentful. The blackness that is seeping in is unwelcome, yet, untamed and unchecked. Unstoppable, and uncontrollable as I do not own it, it's creating these ghosts. Each day I find new ghosts, new shadows where sunlight and life used to reside. Each day I dance with a newly released vision of something that once was.

I pray, on hand and knee, that heaven will release the pain and anguish that the depression holds in, thus allowing the ghosts to fade and the light to shine through once more. I long for their departure; to see the dimples of a smile, the song of laughter and the warmth of embrace once more.

depression, ghosts, jaded, life,

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

A co-worker of mine got married yesterday to her long time sweetheart. Weddings and I don't normally get along, but this one turned out nice as I spent the entire time hiding behind my camera. Payton had asked me some time ago, when the wedding was in the beginning stages of being planned, to be the photographer. I, having NEVER photographed a wedding before and knowing I didn't have the proper equipment to do it right politely declined but offered my services as a back-up photographer to the one she ultimately ended up hiring, ShyVel. I was honored to back her up too. Being able to follow around a professional and have her be so cool about talking tips and tricks with me, allowing me space to work around her and not getting pissy about it was awesome!

I worked until 12:30 yesterday then walked across the street to where the wedding party was getting their hair and makeup done. In a small town you have those luxuries. I took some shots of the bride in the make up chair. I had an hour before I was to be at her house for the dressing photos so I ran to eat. I know, you're completely enthralled aren't you? The point is, I never did head home as driving from Monmouth all the way back to Abingdon for an hour wasn't worth it. So I just hung out until my presence was required at the brides house.

Once there I spent the early part of the afternoon taking pics of the bride, bridesmaids, groom and groomsmen all getting ready for the big moment. Once the photographer arrived, I then just milled about trying to get as many natural shots as I could, snapping some of the posed shots she was setting up and what not. By the time the ceremony started my hand was hurting so bad from holding onto that body of my camera I couldn't hardly hold it anymore! It was a nice break between the bride's house and the actual site of the wedding. I got to sit for a minute and rest my hand some before the ceremony started. Wedding photography is a hard gig man!

The ceremony it's self was beautiful! It was short, and the bride was extremely pissed off about the limo. She signed a contract for a black hummer limo and they showed up in a banana yellow one. OMG. I would have been completely pissed too. Her wedding colors were black and hot pink. And she arrived in a yellow submarine. Not cool guys. I will remember to never use Classic Thunder Limousine services for any reason! They didn't even have the nerve to tell her BEFORE her wedding that they painted the limo. When she complained that the limo was supposed to be black, the guy just shrugged and said "well, we painted it."

Yeah. Not cool guys. Not at all.

The reception hall was beautifully decorated as well. It was a really nice wedding all the way around. I would love to photograph more weddings in the future, as long as I am not the main photographer for quite some time. I need the proper lenses, equipment, and loads more experience with the camera. I love the practice and I especially need the practice with shooting people. I am partial to the landscapes and so people photography is a challenge and one that I am going to focus on improving.

All in all I think it turned out to be a beautiful wedding despite the constant threats of rain. The sun poked out and blessed their union in a warm thread of light before it disappeared behind the clouds again before the reception. I think I got at least a few decent pictures out of the nearly 1K I shot. As soon as they are processed and ready to go, I will post them on flickr and let y'all see them!

Patience my lovelies.

wedding, photography, jaded style, love

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

It was a short lived season. We kind of knew going in that it might end up that way. We went for it on a wing and a prayer (seems to be a theme in my life) anyhow, the boy ended up in the ER last Tuesday night after get rammed on the field.

It really wasn't a fair deal, but then again, this is sports in the new age and there is no such thing as fair, right? He got plowed while one player held the back of his jersey around his neck, two other players sandwiched his knee with their helmets. He went down on the field and we ended up down at the ER.

They worried, at first, about an injury to his ACL. Luckily, it didn't end up being the case. MRI's came back negative. He is out of the brace, off the crutches, and unfortunately, off the field for this year. Coach pulled him as to allow him time to heal and a chance at a fresh start with a strong knee next year.

Thank you coach. No, seriously. I was worried that my boy wouldn't take himself out, as he believes he is superman. "Play through it" is the mantra in his head. He is good. But he isn't that good. I know if I would have put my foot down and disallowed him to continue, I would have been the hated bad guy. I would have been the enemy. The over protective mother who ruined his life. Go coach. You saved my life and my son's knee.

Don't get me wrong. I love watching my boy out there on that field. There is nothing more exhilarating in the world than watching your son run a 60 yard touch down. It's the worst kind of exhilaration tho when the child goes down on the field and doesn't get right back up. I was worried about this knee when they cleared him to play. I knew there would be no 'taking it easy' or 'easing back into things' once he got free of the doctor's restraints.

I am excited for next year, as I am sure he is too. We will have to make due with watching games and being there for practices for the rest of this year. Such is the life of an athlete. And his mother.

=-)

football, abingdon, commandos, boy, injury

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

A few pics from my son's first game.......

football, abingdon, commandos, boy,

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

Aye, arrrr, gar! Tis' International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Had Me realized this before hand, Me would have stood around at work talkin' like a pirate and claimin' Captain Jack Sparrow as my mate.

But, Me didn't know, so I didn't get the chance. I think my customers would have looked at me quite strange, don't you?

Ha'e a great day all, and, don't forget t' talk like a pirate, gar! It will make all those around you verily jealous.

E'erybody knows Pirates be better than Ninjas, gar!

talk like a pirate day, pirate, talk, jade style

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

I like it alot better than the WordPress photoblogs. It came highly recommended and I would have to agree with that assessment.

This is where you will find me.....

A Jaded View

Aminus3, photoblog,photography,pictures,best of, jaded

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

It was Riley's first football game of the season this past Thursday evening and what a way to start the year! The AMS Commandos beat United 40-8! I know, right? I was wondering if United even showed up to the game myself. Personally, I think they sent their cheerleaders to play for them! Bah!

I kill me....

My son, the awesome number 21, fumbled the ball his first time out but made up for it in great style! He had one awesome fumble recovery and scored a touchdown to boot! Yeah, that's my boy.

Coming back from knee surgery just barely two weeks ago, not even having had a full practice in pads, mom was a little nervous for him out there on the field. You know how moms are.

He sure kicked it in true Riley style! Once he got comfortable out there, he was a force. I can't wait to see him progress through the season this year! If game one is just a sampling of what he, and the Commandos, can do, it's going to be an exciting year for them!

Tuesday is their next chance to show the world what they are made of. At least this tiny section of Illinois! :-)

Monmouth-Roseville, look out, here come the Commandos, the mighty mighty Commandos!

abingdon,commandos,monmouth,roseville,football,boys,

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

Really, I don't think there is a whole lot to say.

I believe the picture says it all.

*Sigh*

I guess it's time to come up with the money for two new tires.

Poor Jade........

shredded, tire, car, troubles, jaded, life

This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns

I really did.

You had great taste in baby names, as your daughter and I share the same one.

I have admired the way you carry yourself and how you've inspired many women.

I have even liked your style, the clothes you wear, the way you do your hair.

Until now.....

Oh the horror!

The disappointment!

I am sad. Very, very sad.

Crocs.

*ew*

I think I threw up in my mouth a little today......

Michelle Obama, Crocs, ew, shoes, duh, jaded